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What thoughts run through your mind when you make a mistake or forget something? How do you feel about yourself when you see your reflection or notice changes in your weight? Do you aim for perfection? Are you your own biggest supporter or harshest critic?
If you are like most women, you are probably pretty good at criticizing yourself, at putting yourself down, and believing that only negative events occur to you while assuming that everyone else is doing well.
Us women often find ourselves deeply entwined with our emotions, allowing our feelings to take over and dictate our actions. It is not uncommon for women to become so immersed in their emotions that they feel trapped by them and they struggle to break free from the overwhelming intensity.
Over-identifying with our emotions can result in feeling defined by our current emotional state. For example, instead of acknowledging anger as a passing feeling, we might internalize it and say, "I am angry," treating anger as a permanent condition. Likewise, interpreting a test failure as "I am a failure" blurs the distinction between self and emotion. When emotions become intertwined with our fundamental sense of self, it can hinder our ability to see emotions as transient experiences that are distinct from our essence. This can restrict our general well-being, interpersonal connections, and self-acceptance.
Therefore, it is essential that we cultivate the practice of accepting ourselves, and this is where self-compassion comes into play.
Self-compassion involves acknowledging that no one is perfect, recognizing our shared humanity, understanding that our emotions are transient, and realizing the importance of treating ourselves with kindness.
Ultimately, the essence of self-compassion lies in the practice of treating ourselves with kindness and understanding. It involves offering ourselves the same warmth and care that we would readily give to a loved one in need. This nurturing attitude towards ourselves fosters a sense of inner peace and self-acceptance, paving the way for personal growth and emotional well-being.
Dr. Kristin Neff, one of the leading experts on self-compassion, provides a good summary of what self-compassion entails:
"Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?" - Dr. Kristin Neff
According to Neff, self-compassion has three components:
Being kind to ourselves instead of judging ourselves.
Understanding that suffering and inadequacy are part of the human experience; we are all vulnerable and imperfect.
Being mindful of the fact that thoughts and feelings come and go. Experiencing them without getting stuck in them.
Dr. Neff provides a practice known as 'A Self-Compassion Break'
(refer to Dr. Neff's website)
The practice goes as followed:
Consider one challenge or hardship that is currently causing you stress.
Where in your body do you sense this stress?
Now, review the following three elements and verbalize them to yourself (speaking aloud can make it more effective):
1. Mindfulness
Take a deep breath and and choose one of these phrases to repeat to yourself, or create your own:
This is a moment of suffering
This sucks (my favorite!)
UGGGGHHHHH!!!!!
I am experiencing stress
2. Common humanity Repeat one of these phrases to yourself or create your own:
Suffering is a part of life.
Other people feel this way.
I’m not alone.
We all struggle sometimes.
3. Kindness Use comforting gestures like placing your hands on your heart to experience the warmth and gentle touch, embrace yourself, stroke your head, and more.
Repeat one of these expressions to yourself or create your own:
May I be kind to myself.
What words do I need to listen to at this moment in order to show kindness to myself? (then speak them to yourself)
What would I tell a good friend in this situation? (then say it to yourself)
May I give myself the compassion that I need.
"I am giving myself the permission to be human." (Dr. Tal Ben Shahar)
May I learn to accept myself as I am.
May I forgive myself.
Example: I lost my job today.
I am feeling stressed: My stomach and head are aching.
1. Mindfulness
I am taking a deep breath and saying to myself out-loud:
This sucks!
UGGGGHHHHH!!!!!
2. Common humanity I am taking another deep breath and saying to myself out-loud:
People get fired all the time.
It is not just me. I am not alone in this.
3. Kindness
I am putting my hands over my heart and belly. I feel the warmth and the gentle touch of my hands. I am taking another deep breath and saying to myself:
"I am giving myself the permission to be human." (Dr. Tal Ben Shahar)
I am healthy and capable.
May I be patient while I look for another job.
Remember to pause for self-compassion whenever you:
Find yourself criticizing or being overly harsh on yourself.
In moments when self-criticism or harshness creeps in, it's crucial to pause and show yourself compassion. Acknowledge that everyone makes mistakes and that it's okay not to be perfect. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend in a similar situation. By practicing self-compassion, you can cultivate a healthier relationship with yourself and promote self-growth.
Feel self-pity.
When feelings of self-pity arise, it's an opportunity to practice self-compassion. Instead of dwelling on negative emotions, try to understand the root cause of your feelings and offer yourself empathy. Acknowledge that facing challenges is a common part of life and remember that you deserve to receive kindness and support, including from yourself. Embracing self-compassion can help you shift your perspective and approach challenges with a more positive mindset.
Sense that your emotions are overwhelming you.
In moments when emotions feel overwhelming, practicing self-compassion can provide comfort and stability. Allow yourself to acknowledge and validate your feelings without judgment. Take a moment to breathe deeply and remind yourself that it's okay to feel what you're feeling. By showing yourself compassion during emotional turbulence, you can navigate difficult situations with greater resilience and self-awareness.
You can use the graphics below as a reminder:
This practice is based on the following research:
Neff, K. D. (2022, February 10th). https://self-compassion.org/