The Art of Setting Boundaries: How to Practice Boundary Setting for Well-being, Positive Relationships, and Growth

Are you ever frustrated when friends are overly insistent? Or when your mother visits your home and begins rummaging through your belongings? Or when your partner invites guests over without informing you beforehand?

We each have unique preferences and boundaries. For instance, while you may feel comfortable allowing your partner to use your computer and phone, they may not feel the same about you accessing theirs. You might be okay with unexpected visits from a friend, whereas your friend may not appreciate such spontaneity. Similarly, you might enjoy hugging and kissing your children at drop-off, but they may not share the same sentiment.

Most people were never taught about the concept of boundaries, and as a result, many are unaware of their entitlement to establish personal boundaries and communicate what behaviors are acceptable and unacceptable to them. Some people fail to recognize the importance of boundaries in achieving their optimal well-being and functioning, while others desire to set boundaries but lack the knowledge of how to go about it. Additionally, there is a fear among some individuals that setting boundaries could potentially hurt the feelings of others.

Having clear boundaries is crucial for maintaining a healthy balance in our lives. When we establish boundaries, we are essentially defining the limits of what is acceptable to us and what is not. These boundaries serve as a form of self-care and they allow us to prioritize our well-being and mental health. By setting boundaries, we are creating a framework that helps us navigate through various situations with confidence and clarity.

Furthermore, boundaries play a significant role in our relationships with others. They help us establish mutual respect, trust, and understanding. When we communicate our boundaries effectively, we are fostering open and honest communication with those around us, and this transparency can lead to stronger and more meaningful connections with others.

Respecting other people's boundaries is equally important, as it demonstrates empathy, compassion, and a willingness to acknowledge and honor the needs and preferences of others. By respecting the boundaries of others, we are showing that we value their autonomy and individuality.

In essence, boundaries are not meant to create barriers but rather to promote healthy interactions and self-respect. They are a fundamental aspect of self-care and are essential for fostering positive relationships and maintaining overall well-being.

And the good news is that we can acquire the skills to establish, communicate, and safeguard our boundaries in a manner that honors others.

This practice will help you take the first step in setting boundaries:

Practice identifying your boundaries:

Take time to think about the different areas in which you need boundaries and start writing them down.

Think about different types of boundaries:

• Emotional boundaries help protect us and our emotions. For example, they help us separate our feelings from those of other people, they help us become more resilient to emotional bullying, and they help our ability to be empathic without becoming a sponge for someone else’s feelings.

• Physical boundaries help us protect our body, space, and property. They let other people know if, when, and where they are allowed to touch us, to enter our space, to touch our phone or computer, to use our money, to play loud music or smoke around us, etc.

• Intellectual, mental, and spiritual boundaries help us protect our ideas, plans, goals, values, beliefs, and dreams from the influence or manipulations of other people. They help us stay true to ourselves.

Then make a list of your needs and values and think of what boundaries you need in order to have your needs met and to live according to your values.

When considering your needs and values, it is essential to delve deep into your inner self to truly understand what drives you and what you hold dear. Making a list of these needs and values can serve as a compass guiding you through life's various challenges and decisions. By identifying your core needs, you empower yourself to establish boundaries that safeguard your well-being and ensure that your needs are met.

Reflect on what truly matters to you and what you aspire to achieve in life. Are your actions aligned with your values? Do your choices reflect your authentic self? By contemplating these questions and setting boundaries that honor your needs and values, you pave the way for a more fulfilling and purposeful existence.

Consider how these boundaries can shape your interactions with others and the world around you. Boundaries are not walls but rather bridges that connect you to your true self and enable you to navigate relationships and situations with clarity and integrity. Embrace the power of boundaries as tools for self-discovery, growth, and living a life that resonates with your deepest aspirations.

For example:

If I value honesty, I will set a clear boundary about lying. I will want to communicate to the people around me that I expect them to be honest with me and that I will not tolerate lies.

Example: Emotional boundaries

If I have a tendency to give in to emotional bullying, and giving in makes me feel bad about myself; I can set a boundary around it.

I can prepare for the next time it happens:

The next time someone tries to get me to do something by crying, raising his/her/their voice, or guilting me, I will... (come up with one or more sentences and rehearse them.)

I can say: "I see that you are really upset right now, but this is not going to make me change my mind." Or "If you continue to beg, I will have to walk away." Or "I hear that you are upset, but I still ask you to respect my decision."

I should avoid saying things like: "You are such a baby," or "Get a hold of yourself," because I don't want to shame the other person.

If I hold on to this boundary and don't give in, people will see that emotional bullying does not work on me and they will stop.

Example: Physical boundaries

If my partner takes cash from my wallet without telling me and it bothers me, I can set a boundary around it.

I can say: "Honey, It is important for me to have cash in my wallet always. When you take cash out of my wallet without telling me, I often find myself stuck without money. Could you please ask me before you take cash out of my wallet?"

Or, "I see that you also need cash during the week. Could you please let me know ahead of time how much you need and I will get cash out for both of us? I need the cash in my wallet to stay there for my use."

If my partner does it again out of habit, I can say it again. I can also put a cute sticker on may wallet as a reminder: "Not an ATM" or "Please leave me here. thank you, cash."

I should avoid saying things like: "You ALWAYS take things without asking." Or "You only care about yourself." These would just put my partner in a defensive mode, and they are probably not true anyway (because I wouldn't have chosen someone who only thinks about themselves as a partner.)

Example: Intellectual, mental, and spiritual boundaries

If I care about my religious beliefs, and my partner often makes fun of them and it hurts my feelings, I can set a boundary around it.

I can communicate it respectfully and sincerely to my partner:

"Honey, my religious beliefs give me meaning and joy and they are really important for me. It hurts my feelings when you make fun of them. Could you please not make fun of them?

If my partner does it again (out of habit), I can say it again in the moment, or say it later if the situation calls for it.

I should avoid saying things like: "You ALWAYS make fun of me," or "Shame on you for making fun of my religion," or "You don't care about my feelings." These are never helpful and are not likely to be true.

After you discover your boundaries, it is time to communicate them. Prepare your sentences in advance and practice them. Be respectful. Practice your sentences on yourself or on a good friend.

This practice is based on the following research:

Charles L. Whitfield (2010). “Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self." Health Communications, Inc.